I know.  It’s been a while.  A long while.

I feel like I’m coming back to an abandoned house project.  The foundation was laid, the walls and roof were in place, but then construction flat out stopped. Any sign of life just disappeared.

Weren’t you wondering, “Where the heck did this girl go????”

I’m sorry for the absence. For walking away from a new project. But I think it was a necessary break…

My world has gotten busy with good and important things, and somehow writing got pushed to the bottom of the barrel of priorities. At first, this wasn’t intentional.

But so much time had passed since I last wrote that the thought of jumping back into this building project of writing about the soul seemed more and more daunting.  I found myself avoiding my desk and busying myself with anything but writing.  Now my distance from the desk was on purpose.

Old fears and self-doubt crept in.  Who was I to write? I was no expert.  What could I possibly say that hasn’t already been said about the soul?  I’m just a fifty-something woman on a personal journey. Was anyone even listening? Everyone is just as busy as I am. Was God asking me to write or was I doing it out of a sense of obligation and guilt? My schedule didn’t need another filler.

Strangely enough, I found that before I could go on with any more of this project for the soul, I had to do some more soul searching of my own.  Not just for the writing.  For the life of my soul.

And so began these past weeks of struggling and learning. Of asking Jesus all the what’s, why’s and how’s that my soul was longing to understand.  About my writing.  About my life.

I thought I knew what to expect.  It’s not my first rodeo with introspection and God’s interior design work on my soul.

But I had failed to remember one thing:

God never does the exact same thing twice.  He is far too creative.  He knows He will keep my attention with new processes. So He used different methods and tools of teaching me this time around.  I can’t say they weren’t painful, but they were definitely effective.

– Stretches of silence where He asked me to trust Him when I couldn’t hear Him saying anything.  To be silent with Him and wait.  (“Be still and know that I am God” type stuff.)

– Periods of waiting in faith, not sight, when visible answers haven’t come quickly. One day at a time, moving forward slowly with what I DO know to be true and trusting Him to reveal the next part of the journey when He deems necessary. (“Walking by faith, not by sight”  in its most literal form.)

– Eliminating things from my life, from food and possessions to habits and time-suckers, that would help me listen better and watch more closely for God’s direction. I went beast mode on my closet, my diet, my “stuff”, my time wasters to simplify with less distractions. (“Seek first His Kingdom….all all these things {answers, in this case} will be added as well.”)

It weren’t pretty.  I cried.  I got angry. I doubted.  I wrestled.  I worried and fretted and stewed.  You know, mature adult type stuff.

But God gets me.  He knows my heart and was gracious enough to let me stomp my feet and throw a tantrum.  He even endured me giving Him the silent treatment for a little while.

When it finally occurred to me that my childish methods weren’t really working, I literally just sat on the floor with Jesus and wept.  I released my desire to know it all – the why’s, the timetables, the future, the what-should-I-do-next’s.  I relinquished my frustrated attempts for control of the unknowns.  In my writing.  In my life.

Basically, I just gave up, because I didn’t know what else to do.

And then, weirdly enough, I experienced peace.

It just flooded all the holes in my soul left by white knuckles and trying too hard.  Filled in the gaps left by burrowing fear and lingering doubt.  It came in soothing.  Refreshing.  Unexpected.

I’m still lacking specific answers and clarity is still emerging from a hazy fog.   But the journey that had left me with dangling questions and a near-sighted view of what the future holds has strengthened my grip on Jesus’ hand.

And that “peace that passes understanding” (or as I like to call it, the “that don’t make no damn thenth” peace) seems to flow straight from the heart of Jesus into my bloodstream.

I don’t have to know.  The answers, the way, the why, the how.

I just have to move forward in obedience to what I feel Jesus is directing me to today.  That’s really all my soul can handle at a time, any way.

Today, that means grabbing my hard hat and heading back into this construction zone of writing about the soul.

His greatest passion, His favorite project is that of the human soul.

To save it.  To strengthen it.  To be intimately involved in its evolution.

He is the Foreman on the project and I’m just a willing apprentice.

Pity. Party. Over.

Let’s get back at this thing…

James 1:2-5 – Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.