Those who believe they believe in God, but without passion in the heart, without anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself. – Madeleine L’Engle

When we are at our our most broken and raw, we are most vulnerable to truly knowing God, and the impact of His unrelenting love in our lives.  – “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  Psalm 34:18

Recently, I spent some time with a friend who has just experienced the deepest grief a soul can ever know.

She lost her child.

The emotions are as varied and countless as you could imagine.

– Horror

– Agony

– Anger

– Doubt.

– Indescribable sadness.

– Overwhelming disappointment.

The names of these emotions don’t do justice to describing the crushing pain they invoke.

This was not what my friend had envisioned when she conceived this child. When she chose his name and felt his precious kicks deep inside. When she imagined him giggling with his sister and throwing a ball to his daddy. Death ripped away the dreams she had for this little life that was more a part of her than her own limbs. More important to her than her next breath.

The “why’s” have flooded. The “how’s” have strangled.  So many questions without answers have pounded their way through her every thought.

And yet, as I sat and witnessed the tears streaming from this woman’s beautiful face, I heard something  emanating from her soft voice that sounded, strangely, like peace.

She told the story of her child’s exit from earth to heaven. From his mommy’s arms to his Father’s embrace. There was no denying the devastation she was feeling.  But around the ragged edges of the gaping hole in her heart was the tinge of something lovely.  Delicately framing the pain, the anger, the questions, were hope.  Joy.  And an almost tangible form of LOVE.

It was clear that everything that was showing on the outside (her honest candor and that light in her eyes) was coming from the deepest place of her own internal experience (a soul soaking in God’s goodness in her greatest sorrow).

Her teary eyes had the look of someone who has just seen the smallest glimpse of the heaven she has always believed in, but that now holds a piece of her heart.  Deepened faith is holding hands with desperate longing.

Though her mind and body have been left weary and depleted with the emotions of grief, her soul remains intact.  The battering of heartbreak and unfathomable pain seems as if it has only succeeded in making her stronger.  Deeper.  Softer.

Her soul’s home was prepared for such a time as this.  Her foundation of faith was in the God who loves her and her child more than her human mind will ever fully comprehend. Her walls of defense against the the lie that God abandoned her were standing strong. The roof over her life was lined with the shingles of the powerful and protective prayers of hundreds who love her.

And so, in the greatest storm of her life, her soul was, and is, safe. She has come to know the person and presence of God like never before and has experienced the absolute truth that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

She has come to more intimately know the heart of God through the shattering of her own.

This past week, as I’ve been thinking about my friend, I can’t help but think of the verse in Isaiah –

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. (Isaiah 43:2)

And David’s words in Psalm 23 –

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; (Psalm 23:4)

Our circumstances might be overwhelming.  Our minds and bodies and emotions may be crumbling underneath us.  But the soul is safe because of its position: in the intimate presence of Jesus, who will never leave. Never forsake.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 16-18 –   We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed…Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 16-18)    

– Is there a brokenness in you today that is raw and ready for a deeper connection to Jesus and his healing, his compassion, his love?

– Is your soul’s home a safe and prepared place for the many things that life can bring our way?

– When the most disappointing, painful or frustrating things happen, can you still say “it is well with my soul?”